Its quiet for debates, B.

Most people who identify as feminists have a memory or two of spending hours trying to argue, educate and prove to unbelievers why we deserve to have equal rights, why we deserve to be treated as equals, why we are neither subjects or objects. Etc.. Over the past 3 months I’ve found myself doing this more and more and at the end of every one of these “debates” I find myself feeling drained and irate. Why did I spend 2 hours getting ready and doing my makeup to come to this party only to be accosted and baited into a 3 hour argument that has no head or tail. I use the word baited because in my experience, I don’t go around looking to start a debate, it’s usually people who know I identify as a feminist and feel the need to challenge me.
Imagine spending 3 hours of a party arguing about whose responsibility it is to change tires when you could have spent that time sharing your phone number out like party pack? Is that wise? You tell me.

The truth is most of these people just want to either hear their own voices or see you sweat and if you happen to be beautiful (like me) they really just want to see your (presumably) nice lips move. They have no real interest in learning about feminism or even opening their minds or hearts up enough to even entertain or respect points of views that challenge what they know and have been taught over the years. What’s interesting to me is, in my personal experience, majority of these people are educated, some, VERY educated. They have no problem learning new things or exploring different schools of thought but when it comes to feminism it becomes a threat to the life they are accustomed to. “When you are accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression”- anonymous. How dare we, really? How dare we radical godless women even suggest that men play an active role in raising the kids we created with them?

Secondly, it is not your responsibility to educate or try to convince and not confuse anyone about anything. It is not. Especially when this convincing requires a time investment and possible emotional upset. I don’t know about you but every time I hear people advocate for beating women as a form of “discipline” I want to destroy things and possibly people and livestock. Women have so much bullshit to deal with on a daily basis; ensuring that no one follows you home if you live alone, turning down advances in a way that will not get you killed or raped, condescension from coworkers of the opposite sex, ensuring a professional yet friendly demeanor at all times to prevent being labelled a “bitch” or a “slut”. These are just a few off the top of my head, I’m sure you guys are aware of how bad it can be. It is CRAZY to be expected to be a crusader/evangelist in addition to ALL this and let’s not forget that your choice to be a feminist already demonizes you in the eyes of many people both male and female (Older women, I have a ruthless drag brewing for you, anticipate). I know what you’re thinking, if we don’t evangelize how do we change the status quo?. You’re absolutely right. This entire perspective is self serving and I am 100% unapologetic about that. I’m not saying this is what all feminists should do, not even close. I appreciate all the feminists who spend their days fighting the good fight, we would be nowhere without you guys. I’m simply stating MY choice based on who I am as an individual. I believe that I can contribute to the evangelism and the general conversation in other ways (this raggedy little blog right here) that are not harmful to me or my energy and are impactful.

I hate to insult or use derogatory language when describing other people’s opinions and points of view but to be frank, the vast majority of these arguments are usually useless and baseless. There are two genetic fallacies that they often employ; religion and “culture”. “The bible says”, “as an African”. Those two approaches are exactly what they are, fallacies. They are not based in any kind of factual or logical reasoning. Before you scream not everything in life is logical, I KNOW!, this is not one of those things though. And to soothe those whose throats are itching to ask if we should “throw away our culture”, y’all still go around killing twins? Do you still circumcise female children? Would you agree if a white man came to colonize us again? there’s your answer.    Although as feminists we know that what matters is not necessarily who fries yam vs who boils plantain somehow those are the juvenile arguments we end up falling into. My personal opinion is that each couples domestic situation/arrangement is different. My two rules of thumb are no forms of abuse (physical, emotional, financial, spiritual) will be tolerated and men must participate in child care. Outside of that you can bath your husband and wipe him up after he poos if that’s what makes you happy, that is between you, your husband and God. If you are not being forced, pressured or coerced into anything you don’t want to do, I’ m happy and so is God. So why then am I trying to convince a random man I have absolutely no intention of marrying that he should put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket like a human being and not throw them on the floor like an animal and expect me to pick up after him? Is that not a true waste of my time?.

Side note: anyone engaging in any kind of violence, oppression or harassment (sexual or otherwise) against not just women but anyone should be reported to the authorities and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Now, this may or may not sound like some abstract BS but I genuinely believe in protecting my energy. To many people, feminism is something very very personal. It is something that they are passionate about and rightfully so! After all, it directly relates to the survival of women and girls in a society that is and has been unreasonably cruel and dangerous to us since the beginning of time. So how possible is it to spend 3 hours of your day basically arguing for the right to be allowed to exist in peace without leaving emotionally drained? How can I come out of said argument without feeling depleted and discouraged about the future of women, MY future, in this society? Bear in mind that not only do you have to argue, you also have to simultaneously project an appearance of being unbiased and “unemotional” because God forbid you get overly emotional and passionate when someone says to your face “women are like kids, they need to be beaten to be corrected”.

The final reason I will not be engaging in these kinds of debates is I TRULY DON’T CARE. I absolutely no longer care to convert or convince anyone and I have reached an age/stage where being likeable is no longer desirable to me, being impactful is where it’s at. I’ve actually never been likeable so I’ve just been deceiving myself tbh. My main focus is establishing systems and processes in our society that protect women from abuse, discrimination, inequality, deprivation and death. We need systems that assign harsh punishments to perpetrators of injustice against women, especially in the 3rd world. We need to ensure that we are not only enacting these policies into law, but also creating programs that help at risk women, creating safe havens for victims of abuse and giving second chances to women whose lives and childhoods were stolen from them. That’s my focus. So arguing with Nduka from Ipaja about whether or not his wife should be allowed to drive him is quiet, homeboy can like, not get it. (good on you if you got that one 😉 )

So, to the young women who are proponents and gate keepers of misogyny, you are on your own! O.Y.O!. If your choice is to be beaten and slapped around all day or be a married single mother, more grease to your elbow sis. We love and support you regardless and should you one day become wary, you can lean on us. We will be here to fight for you, support you, love you and heal with you. My only ask is that you not spend your time tearing down and destroying the hard work that women before you have done. Face your front and live a life that makes you happy. To the men who practice misogyny, the bible says that there is no rest for the wicked. Do with that what you will and know that by law, you will be held accountable. Also, remember that feminists are actually a minority. If we aren’t your spec, I guarantee you that there are girls out there who are willing to occupy the guest room every Friday while your side ting comes thru for the weekend, find them and let us hear word. Lastly and most importantly, to all my badass feminists and feminist allies killing the game on a daily basis and putting satan to shame, keep fighting the good fight! Protect your energy, take care of yourself, don’t let this world wear you down because when you die they (the they Khalid has been warning us about) will dance on your grave. So find your happiness, live your truth and continue to confuse your enemies, their papa!, tbh.

**My next post will be something for the boys, if you’re not sick of my shit already, see you next time :)**

Love and light always,

A-money

(p.s. Send Dollars.)

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New Year, New Me.

Y’all thought! Hahahahahaha.

New year, still on my bullshit!

Guys, I know its been a while and I truly am sorry. In all honesty I’ve been struggling with deciding what type of content I want to put up here. I really haven’t still zeroed in but I’ve decided to just write whatever comes to mind anyway. Today I’ll do a little reminiscing about the year that just ended and what to look forward to in 2018. 2017 was a pretty decent year for me. It started out a little rough, I was plagued with an illness called feelings, happy to report that I came out of the year cured! Can I get a hallelujah somebody? I started my first big girl job which definitely had its own challenges but we’re hanging in there! I also packed up my life abruptly and moved to New York! It turned out to be a pretty good decision, I love NYC! Other than those major milestones it was definitely a year of self discovery and coming into my own person. I feel like I definitely grew up a lot in the last 12 months. All in all I’m grateful for all the disappointments, blessings and even the bullshit too. I know it sounds super cliché but these days I don’t even regret the negative stuff that goes on because there’s always a lesson to be learnt. Also, I didn’t get played by any men in 2017 so that’s always a plus. Its the little things you know.

The number one thing I learnt last year was how to let go and just roll with the punches. I’ve always been type A so naturally its very difficult for me to not want to micro manage every single aspect of my life and become upset when things don’t go as planned. Sadly life just doesn’t always work out the way we want it to and that’s okay! I’m learning to go with the flow and adapt to life’s curveballs because at the end of the day I cant come and kill myself.

2018 is off to a neutral start. I’m excited about some projects that I want to work on but equally scared and anxious because setting goals and not achieving them is a major cause of anxiety for me. So I’m taking it one day at a time and trying to do my best to make things happen. I was in Lagos for the past 3 weeks so I obviously came back quite distracted. You guys Lagos life can be sweet oh. If I said moving back was not HEAVILY on my mind I would be lying to you, but I know it’s all a façade. Lagos in December is NOT the same as Lagos in March lol. Although I’m fully aware of all this, I’m still struggling right now, I know in the next 1/2 weeks my brain will reset itself. I have a lot to say about my experiences with Nigerian men in the past 3 weeks but I’ll save that for a later post. One of my only resolutions for the new year is to stop having arguments/debates about feminism with unbelievers. Read my next post to find out why !

I wont make you any false promises and say I’ll write every week. When you see me, you see me, take it like that.

Till next time.

Love and light,

A-Money

Plan B not Vitamin C

Some of you might be surprised to hear that Plan B (a brand), also known as the morning after pill is indeed not a multivitamin. I know, shocking! The frequency with which some are popping these $50 dollar pills is ALARMING. I’m fairly certain that the pill was made with the intention of being an *emergency contraceptive*. From what I’ve gathered, emergency now means a range of things to different people. Some of which include: premeditated plans to engage in protection free intercourse with the intent to rely on the morning after pill, resolve to put oneself at risk for pregnancy and STD’s because ya manz “doesn’t like condoms” and lastly determination to approach one’s personal health with reckless abandon.

If you engage in this behavior, please regard this as a Quit Notice.

Normally, one would be quick to blame the guys who more often than not pressure girls into not using proper contraception. But not today sis, it’s time to take responsibility. Today I’m here to drag you, girl(s). Needless to say, any guy that would put your personal health at risk for his own satisfaction clearly doesn’t care about you like that, so you can kill those dreams of walking down the aisle with him. Yes, the responsibility of protection from STD’s is on both parties but come on, we are each responsible for our own actions and lives. This guy that you’re risking it all for will most probably not be there to see you through whatever STD or reproductive problem you eventually face as a result of your recklessness. He will probably deny your baby and leave your ass for Jane too.

The problem is not that women do not know that it could be harmful to our reproductive systems, expose us to several diseases(some incurable), and is just fiscally irresponsible, we do. However, very often the exuberance of our youth sometimes makes us feel invincible. That “it can’t happen to me” feeling is one that many are all too familiar with. I mean who cares if you take 60 morning after pills a year, spending $3000 in total, scaling through with only a few curable STD’s? Who knows, your kind, sweet manz might even be the one paying or splitting the cost with you ( so thoughtful of him isn’t it). He’s already texted you “have you taken it” even though you only got in the Uber leaving his house 3 mins ago and couldn’t possibly have gotten to the pharmacy by now. And then he dutifully texts you a countdown till you confirm that you will not be making him a father. “Yo its been 48 hours, you gotta take it today”. So very responsible of him.

All is well until a couple of years down the line you’ve finally found da one, you marry him, settle down and now you’re trying to have kids. In the words of Gabrielle Union, “your ovaries start coughing up dust” and life just stares right back at you.

Okay that might have been extreme.

Dont quote me on saying you’ll be infertile if you continue playing your life like MMM. However, I did read an account of a woman who was a serial plan B eater. After taking the pill as usual, 2 weeks later she found that she was pregnant. She ended up having an ectopic pregnancy and had to have surgery. I don’t know what ended up happening with her but if the doctors had found that her fallopian tubes had been damaged as a result, then the possibility of her having a normal pregnancy in the future would be very slim. Infact, even without damage to her fallopian tubes, it is usually more difficult for women who have had ectopic pregnancies to conceive. The truth is we don’t know the extent of damage that pills like this can cause when they’re abused. I did a little research and I found that there have been some links to cancer and infertility but none of these claims have been fully substantiated. I wouldn’t consider myself to be a conspiracy theorist but if scientists did find that these claims were true, would these companies producing and making so much money off these pills want us to know it? Doubtful.

The point is this. Life is fragile, take care of yourself, even if not for yourself, but for your family and loved ones. No one is policing you and telling you not to do whatever it is that you want, but make wise decisions. Prioritize yourself and your safety at all times. Reproductive health is extremely important and in this day and age we are lucky to have a wealth of resources available to us. Take advantage of this. Visit your gynecologist regularly, get pap smears, get mammograms, drink water, take your vitamins, like actual vitamins and your older self will be thankful.

The motive is to let enjoyment be the only thing that can kill you, don’t play yourself and risk it all for Femi ACS that has already introduced his real girlfriend to his parents even though his friends keep calling you Iyawo.

Be safe out in these streets.

Re: Reuben Abati: Big Brother Naija- Television as Madness

WTF WERE YOU THINKING, SIR?????

Okay.

I think I threw up in my mouth a total of 4 times after reading this article. First and foremost who is Reuben Abati? According to google, he is the Former Presidential Spokesman for ex President Jonathan. What is the correlation of a former presidential spokesman to BBN? I can’t categorically tell you.  Of recent, I only see his name on Bellanaija but I don’t think I’ve ever read any article of his. I probably wouldn’t have seen today’s *hot pile of trash* if I didn’t read the post about Uti’s tweets. Uti was 100% right. Before I even start dissecting what this old man wrote, why exactly did he feel the need to write “baby” every time he referenced women? The use of that world really just brought to mind images of creepy old perverts and the picture Bellanaija used did not in anyway help matters. I can’t fathom why he thought that to be a good idea. Was he trying to sound young? Or was he deliberately trying to sound condescending misogynistic and perverted? Who is your baby, sir?

For those of you who don’t have the time or don’t just care to read the article (https://www.bellanaija.com/2017/04/reuben-abati-big-brother-naija-television-as-madness/) , here is a quick synopsis. He starts the article by hailing Efe the winner of BN( Congrats to you Efe!) then goes on a lewd misogynistic rant about TBoss and Bisola, talks about TBoss’es breasts, fat shames Tiwa Savage and then asks Tuface to bring Annie Idibia (from where ?) to twerk( who even taught this old man the meaning of twerk?, kids please keep your parents off the web, seriously.). He then goes on and on about why BBN should not be done outside Nigeria again (fair point) and he concludes by name dropping Aliko Dangote, Femi Otedola and some other Nigerian Dons( S/O to you sirs, I’m greeting you 🙂 ).

Now I’m going to try my best to abstain from using any insulting words because my parents would not approve. That’s as much respect as this man deserves in reference to this article.

Sir, this is unacceptable and disgraceful on every single level that there is. I know parents have a way of embarrassing their kids but this sir, is too far. The kind of expletives and words used to describe T-Boss and Bisola: whorish, jezebel antics, sex object, Delilah, ultimate manipulator, cheap, self-denigrating, female barracuda. For only 2 women! You would think maybe he knew these women personally. I actually never watched BBN but I did keep up with what was going on through Bellanaija. We all watched the clip of Kemen sexually assaulting TBoss, but according to Mr. Reuben, TBoss used her ‘Jezebel antics’ to get Kemen kicked out of the house. I don’t even want to go into that sexual assault issue and the fact that TBoss has every right to press charges against that man. But the fact that a grown man, a father also, would not only approve of such criminal and heinous behavior but also now try to chalk it up to her “jezebel antics” is extremely disgusting and quite frankly sad. Sad for you Mr. Reuben, sad!.

Oh it gets better. He then goes on to say:

“I have seen better breasts TBOSS. I am not too sure those private jet owners will be excited by your fluffy, South-looking, slightly bigger than mangoes breasts. If the same men see bigger assets, I mean, those interesting Ojiakor-like ones that look like papayas, pineapples and watermelons, they will not send private jets, they will deploy submarines and fighter jets! And that ‘s why you got N500k in the end”

*bangs head against wall*

Y’ALL!. This man has a family. Wife, kids, brothers, sisters, parents maybe, uncles and aunts, cousins. These people have to bear his name and therefore his shame. Are you not ashamed, sir?? Do you not have shame ? Can you not pity your family and friends? This uncle will still go to his religious place of worship and be forming holy. This uncle will still expect to be treated with respect in society!. I can not even begin to think of how a person capable of writing something like this was able to get into a presidential position! Is this what Nigeria has come to?

Of course he then goes on to slut-shame Bisola for her fling with TTT. He however conveniently forgot to mention of the fact that TTT turned out to be married. Fantastic . Weh done sah! Maybe Bisola was having the fling all by herself, we don’t know.

“Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well”- Philip Stanhope

Sir, this your moral high-ground-thing that you tried to do, you did not do it well, try again next time.

The amount of vitriol Mr. Reuben showed towards these women and women in general makes me wonder if he tried to talk to them and he was rejected so maybe he is talking from a place of hurt. Surprisingly, that is not the case. As if all this mess isn’t enough to grind your gears this kind sir proceeds to drag Tiwa Savage and Annie Idibia into it.

Tiwa Savage (hey baby, watch that growing fat around your waist and thigh), Tuface (thanks TuBaba but next time tell Annie to twerk for us- what was that!)”.

*vomits one more time*

“Watch that growing fat around your waist and thighs”. My only response to this statement is Matthew 7:5, sir.

I’m almost tempted to ask how you would feel if someone was asking your wife who is minding her own business to come and twerk but I will not because that’s not the point and women deserve to not be disrespected regardless of whether they are your wife or not! This article was callous, reckless and quite frankly you sound drunk, especially coming from an elder in society. Someone who might even be regarded by some to be a “leader”.

Sir, the times have changed. This is not the 70’s. It has never and will never be okay to disrespect women and think you have the right to not only ogle at our bodies but to also shame us. That might have flown back then but right now? It’s a No from all of us, sir. Freedom of speech does exist, yes, but freedom of speech is not freedom from consequence. The fact that you need people who are young enough to be your children and maybe even grandchildren to call you out on this catastrophe of an article is truly shameful. Had Nigeria been a more organized country, you would most certainly have had to resign from whatever post you occupy now as a consequence of your actions and even your peers would have avoided you like a plague. Sadly it is not, but that does not mean that we will not stand up for what is right.

In summary, sir. The collective response of youth all over Nigeria is NO. Just no sir. No thank you!. We can not and we will never accept this kind of thing from anyone! Nigerian women all over the world are out there doing great things, discovering things, starting businesses, flying planes, writing books, starting bobsled teams, researching cancer cures,  raising kids, making history,  being top notch entertainers and even competing in shows like BBN. Just the other day our very own Amina J Mohammed became the Deputy Secretary General of the UN and you are telling us that you want to reduce us women to body parts? God forbid.

My advice to you sir is to educate yourself. You sir, need to unlearn all that misogyny and privilege that makes you think what you did was okay. And the next time that demon of misogyny comes to whisper in your ear, you should sound a thunderous “Flee from me, Satan”. I think we can all agree that you owe not only these 4 women, but Nigerian women in general a real and sincere apology and a promise to refrain from such disgusting, shameful and ugly behavior in the future.

Mr. Abati, please apologize, learn from your mistakes and sin no more!

 

P.S. Please forgive my poor Blog-manship. I truly suck but I’m working on making this thing look a little cuter. 🙂

The Art of Savagery

*Cue Rihanna’s Needed Me*

DIDN’T THEY TELL YOU THAT I WAS A SAVAGE?????

The scene is set in a group chat titled ‘bad bitches’. Miss X, who will later be known as said savage referenced above, hits up the group chat to give them the latest update on her relations with bae, a.k.a poor unsuspecting guy who is trying his best to not only impress, but also express his feelings towards Miss X (see what I did there? 🙃). So Miss X goes on to tell the group chat about how ‘moist’, ‘soft’ and how much of a ‘pushover’ bae is and how after 5 months of him putting in his best efforts, wine’ing and dining, showing care & love etc. she plays him.  At their just concluded date, he had asked her to be his girlfriend and she said and I quote “ You’re nice and all but honestly not the type of guy I see myself in a relationship with”. The group chat goes wild. “You go girl!”, “Zammmnnnnn Zadddddyyyyyy”, “ I’m dead! *insert 167 of these 😂  emoji’s* ” and, of course, the king of all praises “ SAVAGE”.

Brethren, why?

Why is our generation so obsessed with the idea of being unemotional, cold hearted, manipulative and generally wretched towards one another? Why does everyone all of a sudden want to be quick to the punch when it comes to hurting others? The ironic thing is, deep down no one wants to be hurt by friends, partners or even strangers. Really and truly, whether its platonic or whether its romantic, everyone just wants to be loved . I know many people can argue that people build walls and develop tough skin due to past bad experiences of broken hearts and unrequited love and honestly that’s a fair argument. I think it’s fair to have walls or have tough skin, but it certainly isn’t okay to set out to ruin others and then revel in the carnage. It is cruel and sadistic, if you ask me. This doesn’t only apply to romantic relationships but our relationships with one another as a whole. Science has proven that human beings need intimacy to live a healthy life and no I don’t mean just physical intimacy (get ya head out of the gutter), I mean intimacy as in closeness and familiarity with one another. So, if you are set out to be a savage to every and everyone, including those girls in your bad bitches group chat if they so much as look at you wrong, then how do we achieve that?

In fear of sounding too corny, I’ll go ahead and say the world is such a messed up place. I mean we have a looney toon running for the most powerful office in the world, we really don’t need all this extra wretchedness and unnecessary cruelty. Everyone wants to hype about “good vibes only”, but you as a person, your own vibe is bad, how does that work? Are the days of spreading positivity, love and really just common human decency, far gone? Were they ever here? This is just my own two cents based on how I see the world, but I do want to know, what do you guys feel about this whole savage thing? Is it all bravado? Is pop culture to blame for promoting it? Is Rihanna to blame? Share your thoughts with me!

Disclaimer

*The little excerpt above is purely for context/ comedic purposes. This behavior is not specific to any one gender and no, I do not by any means believe that wine’ing and dining someone gives you a right to their attention, affection or love. Also, there is nothing wrong with a person not meeting your relationship standards, just don’t wait 5 months to tell them 🙃 *

Btw I was serious when I said share your thoughts with me so PLEASE SHARE them 🙃

Thank you for reading 💖💖💖